


i am not there (i do not sleep)

by DesertLily



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DC Comics, Teen Titans - All Media Types, Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Clark Kent is a Bad Dad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Funeral, Funerals, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Care, Steph is a good bro, Tim gets his shit together, rip Conner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24833530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertLily/pseuds/DesertLily
Summary: Tim Drake hated funerals. He hated the grief that overwhelmed him. He hated the emptiness that came with losing Conner.
Relationships: Stephanie Brown & Tim Drake, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Kudos: 51





	i am not there (i do not sleep)

**Author's Note:**

> A fic for a friend! It turned out less sad than I planned tbh

If you asked Tim Drake how Conner Kent died, he couldn’t tell you. He remembered his phone ringing. He remembered Donna’s voice cracking as she told him Conner was gone. Everything was white noise after that. He couldn’t comprehend it. Conner wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead! He was  _ Conner _ . This had to be a joke or some sort of prank. But he knew deep down that it wasn’t. Donna was’t cruel or vindictive enough for that. His boyfriend was gone and he hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye, Hell, they had been texting that morning; planning out their next date! Conner had rambled on about how he was going to drag Tim to Metropolis to show him a surprise that he had been planning out. The texts had left Tim excepted with a dumb smile on his face. Now it felt like a lifetime ago. 

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Tim was aware of himself doing things; of talking to his family but none of it stuck in his mind. It was as if he had switched off from reality. It wasn’t until the next day that it truly hit him. He had barely been awake for a few minutes before his stomach was twisting into knots. He had been hurt before - he had even lost his spleen! - but nothing had ever hurt that much before. His heart felt like it was burning with grief. Then Tim simply...shattered. Every single emotion hidden beneath the numbness hit him like a tsunami. He had never felt anything like it before. He’d lost people before but not like this. It felt as if he’d lost a limb - as if part of him had been ripped away. So he did the only logical thing. He curled up on his bed and tried to ignore the world around him. He ignored the scolding hot tears that streamed from his eyes. He ignored the way he trembled and whimpered. Maybe if he ignored everything for long enough then it would turn out to be a nightmare. It would turn out that Conner was still alive.

He wasn’t sure how long he had laid there before his bedroom door creaked open. “Tim? Can I come in?” When Tim offered no response, his eldest brother stepped inside. He couldn’t help but notice how red Dick’s eyes looked. Then his attention was drawn to what his brother was holding. A mug of coffee and a plate with a couple of slices of toast on it. Under any other circumstances, it would have caused him to grin. Now he didn’t even offer the smallest of smiles. He watched as they were set down before Dick moved to sit on the edge of his bed. “...How are you holding up?” 

Tim practically stuck to his brother like a leech, moving to hug him as tightly as he could. He needed something to ground himself with and Dick was always good for that. “He...He’s not gone. He’s not  _ allowed _ to be gone.” His voice cracked as he spoke. To his credit, Dick just pulled him even closer. Things weren’t even remotely close to being okay but this was at least familiar. He was with his big brother; he was safe. Everything around him felt like a nightmare but this was a confirmation of reality.

“He was my friend too.” Dick reminded him softly, looking down at Tim with an expression that held nothing but concern. “You meant the world to him. I don’t think I ever saw him smile as much as he did around you. He wouldn’t want you to be like this, and he’d probably throw me through a wall if I let you.” That got a choked laugh out of Tim. That sounded like Conner. For a few moments, the words seemed to ease the pain in his heart. It lessened from grief to longing. “I don’t think he’d want any of us to be like this.” 

“...Then what would he want?”

Dick sighed. “He’d want you to smile.” To Tim, that felt like a Herculean task. Smiling was exactly the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted to scream and shout and tell the world to fuck off. But he couldn’t. It wouldn’t change what had happened. “Or laugh or just...not this.” Tim couldn’t help but snort at that. Was he supposed to be happy that Conner was dead? That he would never see him smile again or hear him laugh? “...I will break out the embarrassing stories.” And that was how he spent the day; exchanging stories with his brother. It didn’t take Tim long to realise it wasn’t just for his sake. It was for Dick’s too. After all, Conner had been his friend. 

Things weren’t easy after that but Tim got by. His family kept him anchored. Even Bruce used his limited range of emotions to keep Tim from falling apart. But the most surprising form of comfort came from Stephanie Brown. His ex-girlfriend. Things had been tense between them since she faked her death. Yet this wasn’t Steph trying to get back together with him. No, this was her simply being his friend. Tim hadn’t realised how much he had needed her; how much he had needed a friend. She absolutely refused to let him sit and mope about. That was how he found himself dragged around on outings with her - even if it was just to go out for coffee. He found himself falling back into a sense of normality - even if the prospect of Conner’s funeral still loomed over him. 

The day before the funeral, Steph took him to Waffle House. The location didn’t surprise him even remotely - Stephanie loved waffles almost as much as he loved coffee (and despised the concept of sleep). It had him feeling tense. It was clear that Steph was bursting to tell him something. “You’re getting a hobby.” She informed him bluntly. 

Tim couldn’t help but splutter at that. “What?” He couldn’t help but arch an eyebrow at her. 

“You heard me. I said you’re getting a hobby.” She rolled her eyes as if it were obvious. The look of pure determination on her face assured Tim that he had absolutely no say on the matter. Steph had made up her mind and he had to deal with the consequences.”I’m not letting you fall back down a rabbit hole of self pity.” She gave him a pointed look at that. “I was talking to B and he helped me get you this.” With that, she moved to take something out of her back and slid it across the table to him. 

He simply stared at it for a few moments. “...Steph, this is a camera.”

Stephanie rubbed at the back of her neck. “I remember you saying you used to love photography. Figured it was as good a time as any to try and get you back into it, right?”

“I-” Tim was lost for words. “Thank you. I mean it, Steph. This...This means a lot.” 

The funeral itself felt...odd. Lex Luthor had paid for the entire thing and no expenses had been spared. It was extravagant and public and - God, Kon would have hated it. Something small, simple, and exclusive to those that had been close to him would have been what Conner wanted but instead, he got...this. Whilst everyone around him was dressed formally and ‘respectfully’, Tim stood out. He had abandoned his suit jacket. Instead, he was wearing Conner’s leather jacket. It still smelled like him. It still smelled like  _ home _ . He had been sat at the front with Steph next to him. Tim was fairly certain that he hadn’t let go of her hand since the service had started; she was his lifeline. Tim was trying to do his best not to cry but when the speeches startered, it felt almost impossible. Tim listened as people came up and spoke about Conner; about the effect he had had on their lives. He watched as person after person stepped up to speak. Donna. Bart. Even  _ Clark _ . Then it was his turn. 

He had known it was coming, yet he still felt entirely unprepared as he stared out at the rows of funeral-goers. At first it felt like there was a frog in his throat but once he started talking, Tim found himself unable to stop. He took a deep breath. “To say Conner Kent was just my boyfriend would be an unjust understatement. He was so much more than that. He was my best friend. He could make me smile when no one else could. He was always there if I needed him. He made me feel loved. Conner Kent was the closest I’m ever going to get to a soulmate.” Tim barely noticed the tears that started to fall down his face. “He was a hero, too. Kon was good. He was so, so good. He just wanted to help people.” His voice cracked as he glanced over at the coffin holding his boyfriend’s body. “I’ll never stop loving you, Kon.” Tim didn’t register how much he was shaking as he made his way off of the stage until he felt Stephanie’s arms wrap tightly around him. 

The wake made the funeral feel like the calm before the storm. At first it hadn’t been entirely terrible. Tim found himself surrounded by his friends. Rather than talk about his death, they talked about his life. Every word transformed into memory after memory. It was cathartic. It was exactly what Tim had needed - even if it had taken him far too long to realise it. Then Clark fucking Kent had the audacity to ruin it. “Tim, could I talk to you quickly?”

Superman or not, Tim was certain he  _ despised _ Clark. He may have been a renowned hero but the way he had treated Conner? That should have left Clark with nothing but shame. “What makes you think I have anything to say to you?” 

“I-” Clark seemed nervous as he spoke - as if he wasn’t even entirely sure as to what he wanted to say. “I know you and Kon-El were close and I-” 

Tim didn’t even hesitate before cutting him off. “Don’t you dare talk about him! You of all people have no right to even say his name!” His words practically dripped with venom. “He needed you, Clark! He needed a fucking dad and what did you do? You shunned him! You made sure he knew how much he wasn’t wanted! You claim to be all about justice and helping people, but you didn’t even attempt to help him! Sure, no one was expecting you to suddenly become dad of the year but you could have at least offered a helping hand! Now he’s dead, Clark. He died thinking you didn’t care about him! And you know what? That’s not on me or anyone else here. That’s on  _ you _ and you alone, Clark.” Acting on pure instinct, TIm threw a punch at the Kryptonian. 

Quick as a flash, someone was grabbing his arm before the hit could land. “He’s not worth it.” Bart. The sound of the speedster’s voice helped to calm him. “I think I saw Bruce over there. Even he makes better company right now.

Tim found himself surrounded by his friends as they turned to walk away. “Me and Conner weren’t just ‘close’, by the way. We were in love.” He turned away, not bothering to wait for Clark’s reaction.

Things began to pick up after the funeral. Tim started to get his life back on track. It wasn’t easy but he started to prioritise himself. He began to focus more on being Tim Drake first and being Red Robin second. He began to get back into photography. In all honesty, he had forgotten how much he enjoyed it; how much of the world he could capture and hold on to using a single lens. He had even started skateboarding again! More time was spent on simply...hanging out with friends outside of missions. He tried to find a reason to smile each day. He found ways to move on. 

Though, Tim still found himself visiting Conner’s grave regularly. He told Kon about his life. He even told jokes that he knew would have had Conner practically crying with laughter. In an odd way, it helped him move on. It made it easier for him to keep going. 

Whilst he would always love the dark haired boy in the Superman t-shirt, Tim Drake kept living. 


End file.
